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Meagan Rigney

5 reasons why it’s awesome to have kids close together

April 10, 2015      Leave a Comment

“Arghhhhhhh!”

My two little pirates up above are 17 months apart, which often makes people ask if this was intentional or not. The answer is,  it was…and wasn’t. Our first took me about six months to get pregnant with, so I assumed it would take the same amount of time to get pregnant the second time. (Best laid plans, right?) I wanted to start early because I knew I wanted kids fairly close together, and then got pregnant right away. Ha! I’ve only ever had these kids at this age distance apart, so I don’t really know what it would be like to have it any other way. Right now, at this age and time, with the diapers and such behind me? I love it!
Here are the top 5 reasons why I LOVE having kids close in age:
1) My two kids are the same distance apart in age as my brother and I are, and he is one of my best friends. Being in the military and all the moving we do, I love that my kids have a built in friend in each other. They play together really well (for the most part!), and have a lot of the same interests. They will also be able to be in the same schools as we move, guaranteeing a person to sit next to on the bus, or in the cafeteria. They will always have each other, and I work really hard to make sure they are friends, and always have each others’ backs. 
2) Before kids, my husband and I knew we wanted two-ish kids, pretty close together, and that I would stay at home until our youngest went to school. If there had been a huge age gap in there I would have to stay home longer than if we just had them close. Luckily the timetable worked out well (a little TOO well… ha.) Even with holding my son back a year for Kindergarten, I’ve been home 7 years, and I couldn’t have asked for a better reality for my kids and I. 
Another thing I liked was that I was pregnant for about two years in a row, with 8 months in between my first and second pregnancy. It’s hard as a woman to let everything go and surrender to gaining weight and nursing and all that comes with little babies. I like that I did it all at once, so then I could get back to a place where I felt comfortable in my body, and raise my babes at the same time. I’m one of those, “Let’s do it all now at once so I can get it all back'” kinda girls, so having kids back to back was ideal for me.
3) My daughter was 17 months old when we brought my son home, and there was zero sibling rivalry with her and him. She was, in essence, still a baby when he came home, so she didn’t even have the mindset to care that there was another baby at home. This has been true the entire time, too. She has no memory of NOT having a sibling, so it has never occurred to her to care about sharing her parents. She DOES sort of think he is hers, though, and bosses him around like she is his mama!
4) I often have people ask me if my children are twins (they are the same size, essentially), and I often feel like they are. Once they got past the baby stages, they evened up in height and weight and began to like the same things. I used to have to buy toys and other things in the same colors (or they would fight over them), and still buy them the same items for holidays. They wear the same size clothes and enjoy the same activities, and I find this really easy. In my mind, they come in a pair, and I love that. 
5) Having kids close together means you don’t really have the chance to see the light at the end of the tunnel (typically four years old and up, where they use the bathroom and dress themselves!), so you don’t miss anything by having another baby. When my son was born we were still in the thick of it. I was already changing one kid’s diapers, so what was one more? I had the strollers and toys and baby gates all up, and didn’t have to change much. I can see how hard this would have been now as my kids are far more independent and able to do a lot without me. If I had a baby now my life would change drastically. I love that I got to this place at about the same time, give or take a year, and didn’t have to go back to diapers and bottles after leaving them behind.

Tell me, are you close in age to your siblings? How has this been good (or bad?)

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Hi, friend! My name is Meagan and I like to overshare on Insta-stories, LOVE finding the best stuff for everyday life, and I truly believe that life is more fun when you feel good about yourself, both inside and out.

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meaganrigney

When do you feel the most powerful? ✌🏻 ⠀⠀ When do you feel the most powerful? ✌🏻
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I feel it the most when I put on my workout clothes, right before a workout. There's something about intentionally putting on each piece of clothing that begins to give me inner PEACE. Knowing that I am choosing something that pushes me and makes me feel like I can do anything. 
I've pushed myself to the limit many times, past the point where I didn't think I could do more, and then I did. The last mile of a half marathon, a PR at CrossFit, the last 100 yards of a row at OrangeTheory. I've learned over and over again that I can push myself harder than I think. 

That I am capable.
That I am strong.

Often I start a workout with the thought that I'll just do my best, that it is up to me how hard I push myself. And then something clicks and I push harder, I run faster or grab a bigger weight. I take it minute by minute, one rep at a time. 

This is when I feel powerful. 

Exercising for me isn’t about changing my body or burning fat or losing weight ever, it is about choosing what heals me, what creates peace of mind and mental clarity.
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What makes you feel powerful?
I did a thing....💫 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I did a thing....💫
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I opened up an art shop on Etsy! 
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I've loved creating art my entire life, and always did it just for me, a hobby. I just really like creating things, something that quartantine really helped teach me after I forgot it in the busyness of life. I think creating and putting ourselves, our work into the world, can be scary, but also exhilarating! To take the chance and DO THE THING you are passionate about is really fun. 
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I love creating watercolor + hand lettered prints, and also adore painting custom home portraits. There's something about a home that is so special, whether it is the one you live in or your childhood one. I've painted homes people have brought babies home to, homes we no longer live in but have  a connection to. There is great joy in painting a picture of a place that makes someone smile. 
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What home has a special place in your heart?
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P.S. You can find my Etsy shop via the link in my (Instagram) bio, or just search MeaganRigneyCreates on Etsy!
What do you do for fun? 💫 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ What do you do for fun? 💫
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I like to read, paint, bake bread on Sunday's, browse stores, watch movies with my family, decorate, a lot of things. One thing I am sure of is that I make time to leave room for FUN in my day. Stuff that is just for me and my enjoyment. It's not always easy, but even in really busy times in my life I made time for myself. 
What is that saying? "If you don't have 30 minutes, you don't have life?" I felt that. 
There are always a zillion excuses why we don't have TIME for fun and hobbies, but often it is because we don't think we are important enough to make the time. 
You don't have to monetize every hobby either (a side affect of our culture..) The other day my daughter said I should sell my homemade bread 😌 and I told her I liked baking it just for fun, for us. Other things I do for fun AND business, but a lot is just because I like it. 
Do you have a hobby that is pure joy and fun?

P.S. Sweatshirt is from @dressedinlala and I’ve worn it 4 days in a row. Use code MEAGANxLALA for 10% off ✌🏻#lalagirlgang
When I had my first baby almost 13 years ago, my m When I had my first baby almost 13 years ago, my main mission was to "get my body back." I was determined to lose the weight fast, to erase the fact that I had birthed a child from my body. I dieted, I restricted, and lost what little weight I had allowed myself to gain pretty fast. After my second child I had a harder time, but eventually learned the joy of exercise for weight loss that carried me through a decade or so. My main goal was to see what I could do with my body, to show that you didn't have to 'let yourself go' after kids. It brought me great satisfaction to weigh all my food and diet and go hungry, because in the end it felt like it paid off in what my body looked like. 
It wasn't until I had the wakeup call a year or so ago that I was chasing something I could never reach: perfection and looking to outside approval to validate me. I had a flat stomach that looked better than before I had kids, but I thought about food 24/7 and felt guilty around food too much and rarely enjoyed life if it wasn't something I could control. I was anxious all the time and ended up in the hospital and had major health issues. 
So I slowly started to let it go. I let go of WHY I was trying to be perfect, WHY I needed to prove that I wasn't 'letting myself go', WHY I felt like I had to be a certain size and wieght to be loved.
I began eating food for joy and letting go of guilt. I began seeing the issues in society that says we need to be a certain way to be valuable. It's been both amazing and hard at the same time. I restricted for so long that it feels weird to just eat when I'm hungry. I allowed myself to be under a certain weight for so long that it feels weird to settle somewhere higher. My stomach, which has stretched around two babies and is the first place I notice weight gain, makes me uncomfortable. Not because it is bad, but because it was where I felt my worth was. It's uncomfortable to grow, but necessary.
Have you seen the movie "Soul" yet? I watched it w Have you seen the movie "Soul" yet?
I watched it with my kids the other night and it really got to me. For a bit watching it I thought having a purpose was the whole point, something to anchor us to life.
And then...you discover that we have it all wrong. I'm guilty, too.
The point is to enjoy the moments and progress and little things we experience along the way. The point is to notice how good that pizza tastes, and how pretty the sunlight is when it comes through a window, and how wonderful a soft blanket feels when we snuggle on the couch.
How many of us are cruising along, waiting to get to a destination, and we don't stop to really SEE the joy around us? I'm hugely guilty of this, and I am working to let it go. I'm letting go of waiting to get to a certain point before I relax and have fun. The fun is here, right now, if we look for it. 
I've had the habut of writing 3 things I'm grateful for each morning when I wake up, and a lot of the time I write tiny things. The twinkle of a Xmas tree, that first sip of coffee, watching snow fall from a window.
In our rush to find a purpose in life we miss living and enjoying our ACTUAL life. 
At lunch the other day my daughter told me that she loved being in quarantine. She loved her flexible schedule and lots of family time and movies. Think about that. She saw quarantine as a blessing.
What can we see when we really look? Can we see the good in simple, ordinary days? Can we enjoy the moments even when they are less than ideal? 
What if we don't need a purpose, what we really need is the abilitity to see the blessing of each day and what we do have versus what we don't? 
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Have you seen Soul? What did you think?
One of the things that took me into my mid 30's to One of the things that took me into my mid 30's to figure out, was how good movement makes my body feel. 
I didn't know. For years I thought "working out" meant I had to do a class with complicated moves, or running miles on a treadmill, or something that I had to dread. The biggest gamechanger for me has been finding a community and a purpose around moving my body. At first I went to classes beacuse of the free gym care for my kids, and then I gradually built up to various programs where I did things on my own. It was really fun to see how hard I could push myself and to see what this body of mine could DO. That's what I loved about CrossFit, it was an atmosphere of being an athelete and focused on movement over changing your body or "burning calories off." Through that I discovered the ability to push myself to run a half marathon and do a Super Spartan race. I discovered my body could DO most anything I asked it to. 
I like pushing myself, making goals and achieving them. I like how I feel when I make time for movement, whether it be a class, running, hiking with my kids, or pilates at home. The key is I make time to move in a way that I enjoy, and I celebrate what my body can do rather than how movement makes it look. 
I truly think moving your body is the key for self care. It gives me so much confidence, and when I move my body I think about it less. It's not about how many calories I can burn, it's about moving my body beacuse I CAN. I respect it and want to treat it well. 
Instead of crash diets and cleanses, can you think about what you can add into your day? Can you add some movement? Start small! I don't always want to move my body, but I always feels better after. Can you add in something that sounds fun? Interesting? Even if it scares you a little! Training to run a half marathon was scary b/c I couldn't easily run 1 miles when I started. Twelve weeks later I ran 13.1 and it was the most empowering thing ever. 💫
If you scroll back deep enough in my feed you'll s If you scroll back deep enough in my feed you'll see a period of time where I posted a lot of "before and after's." 
It was a time in my life where I was learning about what my body could do, what I was capable of. And you know what, I reached a lot of physical goals. I "looked" like what I had always wanted to from a young age. That young, teen girl, who looked at thinner girls in magazines and at the beach and I would wonder what it felt like, you know? 
What would it feel like to take up less space, to have that "dream body" and feel confident in a swim suit? 
You know what? It feels good...for a minute. When you put on a suit and see yourself in a mirror, for a second it feels good. And then you still notice the flaws, the things to "fix." You still focus on food + cellulite + whether anyone notices your wrinkly knees.  You still feel less, not perfect, always needing to "control" diet and exercise to stay a certain way. 
I have been many sizes over the past 30 years, and my smallest sizes were my unhealthiest, where I existed on rice cakes and Diet Coke. (I also got the most compliments then, go figure.)
Over the past year I have been working on body kindness, and realizing that I am more than a body. I am more than a weight or pants size or perfect "after" photo. I've gained weight and realized that it is really freeing letting go of disordered eating and the limiting belief that I need to look perfect to be loved. To feel enough. I searched forever for this, thinking it had to do with what my body looked like. I was wrong. 
It isn't comfortable letting go of my past self and her ideals. I work on my mindset daily. Right now I focus on what my body can DO and how I want to FEEL. 
I want to feel joyful on a daily basis. I want to enjoy birthday cake + vacations. I don't want to restrict and starve in the name of diet culture. I want to be happy! Without the guilt of my past. It's what I/we deserve.
While I didn't make any big resolutions this year, While I didn't make any big resolutions this year, I did decide to keep up with what I was working on all last year, and that is more BODY KINDNESS. 
Right now the world is promising us all more happiness and fulfillment with cleanses and detoxes, intense meal plans and exercise routines. Most of these are designed to fail you, because 1) Happiness doesn't magically appear with a thinner body, and 2) A rush of willpower for 30 days or less when we are feeling vulnerable won't last. I promise you.
I'm not telling you to not exercise, or that feeding your body healthy foods isn't good for you, I'm just saying making huge promises when most of us are feeling off after the holiday season is setting us up for failure. 
The decision to love yourself (outside of what you look like) needs to come from within. We are not just a body, yet the world tells you otherwise. It wants to measure our worth based on weight and pants size and thigh gaps. 
I'm not saying it's wrong to want to make changes for our health and fitness ability, but there are a lot of nuances in there that the diet industry doesn't address. What I want for you is something you could have fun doing and something you can do for your whole life, not just 30 days and for x amount of pounds. I don't want you to not have the foods you love and severely restrict anything, because trust me, it will cause you to obsess and binge later. 
I just want you to know that you are OKAY regardless of your body size. I want you to know that you can be healthy and happy with a larger BMI (trust me on this!) I want you to know that you can love who you are even if your body doesn't look the way you want to right now. 
The quick fixes won't bring happiness.
Happiness comes from knowing you are enough AS IS, no matter what. Happiness comes from realizing it isn't your body that you need to work on, but your mindset and limiting beliefs of what society says is imporant.
Do yourself a favor if you can. When you are feeli Do yourself a favor if you can. When you are feeling *off, get dressed.
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It doesn't have to be fancy, or uncomfortable. 
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After a week or so of leggings and sweatshirts I felt the need to get dressed again. A soft as sin pullover, stretchy jeans that feel like leggings, and simple sneakers, and lipstick (that's my fave.) I felt so good! I ran a couple of errands and felt refreshed. While I love an excuse to wear lounge clothes, I also know that a large part of my mental health is creating a routine in a life that revolves mostly at home. It builds a rhythm into my day to wake up and move my body and then shower and get dressed. Some days I'm only dressed for a few hours, but it feels like I tried, you know? 
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I may work from home, but if you came over I'm probably in my home office working in "real clothes" as I say (not sweatpants lol) and it energizes me. I notice when I don't I don't feel as good, mentally.
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So yeah, that's my huge tip for today lol. 💫 Get dressed! What small step can you take to feel "normal?"
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P.S. shop all my “Instagram outfits” over on my blog! www.meaganrigney.com or follow the link in my profile
I have a confession. I'm not super comfortable wit I have a confession. I'm not super comfortable with where my body is right now. With the pandemic, a cross country move, a full home renovation, and LIFE, things are different.
Yet, I've never been happier. 💫 Truly! This year I also began therapy, wrote a memoir, and began to fully unlock a lifetime of disordered eating and anxiety. This was the year I started to enjoy food and life more than ever, something I couldn't do before without a lot of fear. I'm learning to intuitively eat rather than restrict and binge, and I'm learning what is a healthy amount of exercise for my mental health. 
Truthfully, not much has changed with me physically, past a little extra weight, but what has changed is my tolerance for it. Instead of frantically working to look a certain way, I'm accepting what is, right now. I don't believe my limiting beliefs anymore.  I'm looking less at what my body looks like (and picking apart every single inch no matter what size I am,) and focusing on how I feel. 
I was never happy with my body, ever, except in rare moments when I controlled every ounce I ate, and that only lasted a minute. True happiness started to happen when I let go of my self worth being tied to my weight. I never felt that before this year, truly. 
To do that I have to look at myself, truly look, and say, " I may not look the way I want right now, and that is okay. I am enough AS IS." I am gentle with myself. I do what makes me feel good, inside. I focus on what my body can DO. I focus on how I want to FEEL each day. 
There is no magic diet or shake that will get you what you want or make you happier, I promise. I can also tell you that my smallest size never corresponded to my best mental health. There's a difference between what your body can do and what is better for your mental wellbeing and happiness. For me, allowing myself to let go of control + anxiety about my body has been freeing. I want that for you, too. We deserve it. ⭐️
Real life lately... My daughter and I put together Real life lately...
My daughter and I put together her new gerbil cage with less than clear instructions and sent this pic to my husband so he could praise us. 🙌🏻
My son got a pair of tiny hands for Xmas and we have had a stupidly fun time using them.🤩
I opened up my box of hair dye and this is what my gloves looked like...😂
Two parents on Xmas morning.😊
Snuggled up watching Hallmark while Daddy works. ✌🏻

How’s your week going?
The promises are already showing up in my feed and The promises are already showing up in my feed and in commercials on tv. New diets + workout plans that promise you happily ever after if you just eat fruit all day for all meals, or get rid of all carbs.  And you know what? They will work, for a short time. When you restrict, weight does fall off, but most of these diets are meant to fail us. We aren't meant to live on just fruit or one type of food. We aren't meant to exercise hard for only 6 weeks at a time. 
I promise you, after the holidays when we are feeling a little bloated and off, you don't need to buy into the promise that in the New Year you have to be a NEW YOU. You don't have to buy into the promise that you aren't worthy right now, as is, even if you don't feel the best.
Here's what I know: it always takes me at least two weeks after a vacation/hliday/etc to feel like ME again. In those two weeks I give myself grace. Each day I take the steps that I know make me feel well emotionally. I slowly start to drink more water. I move my body gently doing what feels good. I eat some meals that fill me up and I don't restrict anything. I just ask, 'what sounds good today?" And you know that, after a week or so, maybe a smoothie sounds good again, or maybe I want to do a pilates video? Or maybe I want to enjoy that delicious trifle I made?
I do know this, restricting + going all out on crazy exercise regimes on January 1st never lasts. We aren't meant to have a lifetime of willpower. We are meant to eat intuitively and move our bodies for joy. Diet culture tells us we will be happier when we get THERE, but I promise you that is not true. Can you be happy here, even if it isn't where you want to be? Can you move your body in a way that you could do it forever? Can you eat in a way that you can sustain forever, so when you die you know you didn't spend your whole life worried about 20 unwanted pounds? I know I don't. We deserve better, and diet culture isn't it.
What do you do? This question always trips me up. What do you do?
This question always trips me up. I hear it often, it's a question you get within five minutes of meeting someone most of the time. What "I do," is nuanced, and often I feel like I have to dumb it down. For a long time I said, 'stay at home mom,' which was primarily true for awhile. Then I started a blog and that morphed into 'influencer,' and that is hard to explain. Mostly because I don't like that title, even if it is accurate most of the time. 
Sometimes I joke around and say I 'sell sweaters on the intenet," (joking about what my analytics tell me people are influenced to buy on my behalf.) Sometimes I say 'blogger', or "I used to teach.' I guess I have never been comfortable explaining what I do on a daily basis because it doesn't sound concrete, you know? 
"What do you do?"
I write things from my heart and hope to heal others by sharing it. I take pictures of myself in pretty clothes, and in my underwear. I create videos and write blog posts and a newsletter, and I really hope to change how girls grow up in the world and view their value. I do this by sharing how I have changed, how I value myself, how I have found self worth. I write daily about my struggles and answer people who message me and feel the same. I learn new skills almost daily, so I can grow creatively and reach more people. I'm constantly thinking about the 12 year old me + how I can help her, and help heal the 12 year old version of YOU. 
I do this while also being a mom and wife and friend. I do this even when it seems silly and I ask if it is worth it. Usually when I think it is dumb and I should get a 'real job,' I get messages that I changed how someone loved themselves or thought about themselves, and I keep going. I do this because not only do I like sharing fun outfits, but because this world is pretty amazing that a small town gal like me can access so many of you no matter where I live. This is what I do.
You know what the girl in the collage photos alway You know what the girl in the collage photos always felt? Not enough. There was no magic weight or size or milestone that made her feel like she was okay. Ever.
I've always used photos as a milestone, to show myself that I was worthy. Rarely would they satisfy. You'd find me searching for earlier photos where I thought Iooked better, yet in those earlier photos I wasn't content.  I defined myself by my body, by how "perfect" I could be, by needed constant validation to feel good. I'd pick apart the pieces of myself I didn't like, try to hide them or use editing to wash it away. I used restricted eating and intense exercise as a way to feel in control, and when things didn't go to plan I felt anxious and scared. Holidays and birthdays stressed me out, because they meant a loss of that control. I only felt good when I followed this very strict plan, which... spoiler alert, was hard to keep up. On vacations I'd be the mom on the treadmill in the hotel gym, or tracking calories on an app at DIsney. There was no moment where I could let my guard down, because then I might 'let myself go," and that was my worst case scenario. Who would I be if I relaxed my standards, went up a size or two, became the "after photo" after years of work? Over this year I'be learned a lot about myself and anxiety, and how I use food + my body to control how I feel. It's been a journey, of acceptance and love and learning to feel enough, even if I am uncomfortable. 
This is the year I ate Thanksgiving dinner without thinking of how little I could eat and how I could work it off. This is the year I realized that I don't want people to remember me by how my body looked and how anxious food made me. This is the year I look at my body, with all it has given me and done for me, and say thank you. This is the year I decided not to believe the limiting beliefs I truly believed by whole life. This is the year that I learned that what I weigh is the least interesting thing about me.
This weekend... ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Taylor This weekend...
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Taylor Swift listening, Hallmark watching, friend hanging, watercolor painting, hand lettering, nap having, and working on being in the moment.
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During my chat with my therapist last week she asked me to work on being in the moment more. Less worrying and stressing and thinking of things in the future, but really grounding in the NOW. So, I'm working on that. Moment by moment. Less long term goals and more just BEING. Less thinking of things a year from now, and more enjoying what is right here, right now, what IS working. Turns out, I don't have to solve all of life's problems each day, I just have to embrace this moment that I have. I mean honestly, isn't that all that any of us ever have?
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What is something you do that grounds you in the moment? For me that is reading and creating (writing, painting, etc.)
Earlier this week I posted about my anger over my Earlier this week I posted about my anger over my daughter + her friends' being taught to look up their BMI in middle school, and finding that, for the most part, the results were devastating. Mostly because the BMIchart is 200 years old and only considers height and weight and no other factors. 
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Spoiler alert: it also says I am overweight. 😒
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I think we can imagine the damage this can do for not only our kids, but what it has done to us as well over the years. How many of you are deemed "too much" according to this chart? 👉🏻Go back and read the comments on my original post for confirmation of this. It's insane.
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ANYWAY, I decided that instead of complaining about this, I would take action. I emailed our principal and told her what concerned me, how this affected the tween girls in my life, as well as many adults. I shared my post I wrote and asked if we could come up with a solution. I really just wanted her to see how these kids we are entrusted with are so easily influenced, and often by things that we think are 'good for us.'
The Vice Principal called me the next day and we had a long chat about it all, and he agreed that there needs to be additional teachings to go along with the current curriculum. They are going to move forward with looking at what is being taught and how it can be better. I hung up feeling like this can be a step forward in creating a better world for our kids. 
My message for you today! Sometimes the problems in our world can seem insurmountable, but we can make a difference. All you have to do is look right in front of you! You can impact the people in your home, your community, and with social media, so many others without even leaving your home.  We are more powerful than we think and we can do really 👏🏻hard 👏🏻things. 👏🏻
What fires you up? How can you take one small step to make a difference?
For most of my childhood and teen years I wanted t For most of my childhood and teen years I wanted to be an artist. I painted, sketched, did ceramics, basically anything where I could create something out of my own mind. I loved the smell of art erasers, turpentine, wet clay, pastels, loved how my hand and arm would turn black with graphite as I drew. And for years I also wanted to be a fashion designer, yet I never, ever considered going to art school. It seemed, at the time, not practical. What does one DO with an art degree? How does one LIVE as an artist? (Asked my 18 year old self... I didn't know anyone that had a career in art, most just had it as a hobby. Also, it was the 90's, things were way different then.) 
So I went to college and majored in Business, because that seemed practical. I had no idea what I would do with this degree, but it seemed like the thing to do. I eventually got my Master's in Reading Education and taught elementary school (my other passion is nurturing young minds.) Life took me into other directions, as it tends to do. I became a mom and learned the beauty and restlessness of staying home with two small kids. I started a style blog and re-learned my love of fashion and creativity,  and discovered I was pretty good at writing. I blogged, and wrote, and learned how to brand myself when social media came along, and dabbled in direct sales, and always, drawing was a thing I did for msyelf when I had the time. 
During quarantine and the beauty of lots of time home, I rediscovered drawing and painting again. This, for me, is pure joy. I don't have to think, I just create what sounds good. Creating this way is pure fun and it has never, ever dawned on me that something I love so much could be anything more than a hobby. It tends to surprise people when they see what I create, possibly because it has always been MINE, a secret thing for my enjoyment only. Cont. in comments...
Things that make me happy right now... ✌🏻Cof Things that make me happy right now...

✌🏻Coffee in Christmas themed mugs
✌🏻Amazon slippers
✌🏻Watercolor painting 
✌🏻Seeing the sunset from my office window 
✌🏻Grilled cheese +tomato soup for dinner 
✌🏻My kids texting me asking me to name their horse in Minecraft 
✌🏻A new thermal nightgown 
✌🏻Sweatshirts w/ happy faces on them 
✌🏻Friends that are family 
✌🏻4 Christmas trees downstairs 

What is bringing you joy right now?
Did you know classes in middle school still have y Did you know classes in middle school still have young kids check their BMI to see how healthy they are? A 200 year old chart that only uses basic facts (height and weight) to judge your health. I call bullshit. 
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According to the chart I am overweight. As are most that look, including young, impressionable girls that take something like that seriously and let it tell them their worth. I refuse to let this chart define me, or anyone I know. I refuse to let it define the worth of developing girls and boys who look to things like this (and classes/teachers that mean well,) but do harm instead. 
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The BMI chart doesn't take in exercise level, muscle mass, the build of a person, or other important factors. It makes weight the only important thing, something that can be so deceptive. 
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It tells me I am overweight, which years ago would have sent me into a tailspin and caused me to to create a lifestyle that was very unhealthy, mentally and physically. I am a 40 year old woman who eats well, moves her body most days, has battled back form years of disordered eating, and yet, I'm too much it says. I've done enough work where this doesn't affect me, but what about our tween and teen girls (or boys?) When they are taught in school to look this up and see how they rate? I hate that for them. Because I know myself, if I had done this at that age I would have been devastated. It would have steered me into a bad direction, and add that into social media now and ads that pop up telling us we need to look a certain way to be perfect? It's too much. 
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I don't have a solution for this, other than to pour my heart out here and to the young girls and women that I have contact with, but I am angry. Angry at a curriculum and society that sets us up for failure when it comes to health and wellness, and feeling whole and worthy. We are more than a number on a scale + an 'overweight'  diagnosis on an antiquated chart.
I weighed myself today, for the first time in 4+ y I weighed myself today, for the first time in 4+ years. You see, I haven't been ready before. The number on the scale has always been really triggering. I thought it showed my worth as a person, or how I was failing. Adding weight always meant bad things to me. It meant failure and "letting myself go." It meant I had to work harder, control more things, starve myself more. 
So one day I decided to not weigh myself anymore. I got rid of my scale, I step backwards on the scale when I'm at the doctor, and I've been working on myself...on the inside part. I've spent many, many years "perfecting" the outside, only to find that it never made me happy, or satisfied, or love myself more. I'd feel good for a minute, and then stress about food and exercise and never, ever would it last long. My anxiety  shows in how I control the things around me, and my body, and what I ate was always an easy thing to control. 
Fast forward to now. I've been working on my mental health, busting the limiting belief that I am only worthy if I look a certain way. Stepping away from disordered eating and obsessive compulsive thoughts about food and exercise. I was at a place today that needed my weight to calculate something. I could have given a guess, but I decided I was okay knowing my actual weight. It didn't hold power over me. It felt worse avoiding it and not getting the number, versus just stepping on the scale and knowing. So I know now, and I'm okay. That number has no power over me, it's just a capture of my mass on this particular day. What matters is that I am okay in myself, in my self worth, that hearing this number (that is higher than I've ever been) is just a number. What I've gained is my confidence and my worth, I know who I am has nothing to do with a number on a scale or a pants size. I'm still me, only happier and healthier and I'm freeing myself from a lifetime of anxiety over my worthiness as a person when it comes to a number on a scale.
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