I’ve chronicled my struggle and doubts with blogging over the past year before, but not exactly what gets me in the gut when I think of quitting. You see, I often wonder what the point of all this is. Posting photos, and affiliate links, and all that nonsense. Writing about what I’m wearing and why, and where to get it. Worrying about pageviews and Instagram followers and analytics. Lately it seems like too much, like there is zero point to doing this beyond habit.
Last week one of my favorite bogs, Unfancy, shut itself down. I was surprised! Here is this revolutionary person with an uber-popular blog saying that this wasn’t working for her right now, and she was done. And you guys, I was thisclose to saying that I was done, too. I wrote the goodbye post in my head and began to live in the space where this blog and all it entails didn’t exist anymore. It felt freeing and GOOD. Really good. I didn’t say anything to anyone, fearful I would be judged or talked back into continuing. I just quietly decided to not take photos this weekend, to not post on Monday as always. To let this space go and see how it felt.
I was happy.
I felt free.
I could breathe.
And then, a couple of days in (after the allure of quitting faded), I felt like this wasn’t it. I mentioned to my husband that I was over it, and he was disappointed. I thought about not writing here ever again, and it made me sad. There are loose ends and things I’ve agreed to that I can’t let go, and all of a sudden I KNEW. I can’t quit. There’s something still here for me, something unfinished, and begging for a little bit more.
There may be NO POINT to blogging, except the point is: I feel like writing things and posting them when I feel like it, and there are some people that enjoy reading it. It’s also an Instagram message saying I made someone feel less lonely in motherhood by posting the real truth of it all, or the email from a valued reader encouraging me. This community here is the point for me, as is the writing, and also the occasional, “I wore this and why” style post. The point is: I’m not ready to let it all go to waste now. I just can’t.
The time may come when I feel the time to end is here. It could be next week, or two years from now, or never. I have no idea. It’s just that, right at this moment, while I have things I still want to say swimming in my head, today ISN’T it.
I’m here, today, and I’m happy.