I believe, sort of.

Target sweater and scarf, old (option); Old Navy pants, old (option) and bag; Steve Madden boots (option.)

Religion for me is such a tricky subject. A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago “what I believed in”, and I found that I had a really hard time explaining myself.

You see, I’m a very “I’ll believe it when I see it,” kind of person. I don’t think that just because we should believe in something that it is completely true. I think my logic gets in the way of what religion tends to teach us, and I see how history has changed religion over the course of time. I don’t think that the bible is the exact word of God, because it has been edited over the years by many, many people, and that makes it more ambiguous for me. I DO think the Bible has a lot of great lessons to teach us, and it is a very valuable text about the past, but I also think it is a book of stories handed down over time, so adhering to every word is not what I deem best for myself. 

I also don’t believe in creationism, or many of the stories that come from the Bible, and I’m not even sure I believe in Jesus dying on the cross and coming back to life. Do I believe that Jesus existed? Yes! I think he was most likely an amazing man that helped the poor and needy in many ways. I think what he did should be reflected on, and his way of life emulated, but I don’t think the rest of his story rings true for me. There is a part of me that hopes for all this to be true, and to have it validated and put in front of me with scientific facts, but I know that isn’t exactly the point of religion.

When it comes to prayer, I can be pretty general about it. I’ve been known to pray in my head for the safety of my family, and the health of those around me. Taking off in an airplane and praying I get back to my husband and babies, trusting my kids are safe at school without me, this takes faith that I want in my life. I really and truly hope that there is something bigger than me at hand, and that all my doubting ways are wrong. I want to believe that someone, somewhere, is listening to me and guiding those around me. I just don’t know if that is true. 

I’m a doubtful person at heart. I never truly think something great is out there until it is right in front of my face. I understand that faith means taking that leap into the unknown, believing that all we know about religion and God is true because we believe it to be. I know when I think of my family members that have died, I hope with all my heart that they are waiting somewhere for me. I think the notion of death is really scary, and the thought that us dying and just not existing is painful, so the vision of heaven is really comforting. I think that religion in itself is a comfort for those that truly believe, because it takes away a lot of the unknown. 

I didn’t grow up with a lot of religion in my life, I never attended a regular church service or had discussions about it. It’s not something I regret, but I do enjoy learning more about it in my adult life because I am someone that enjoys finding more things out about a particulate subject. My husband was raised in a religious way (we were even married in the Catholic church and had both of the kids christened there), but now that we have kids we have a different view of what we want our children to learn. We both want them to have a solid religious base, but I’m not comfortable with them learning things that I don’t agree with. I’d like to find a church that taught a more modern version of the Bible, and leave out the yucky judgmental, lifestyle biased stuff. 

Last Christmas my daughter asked for a bible in her stocking, which was a little surprising to me. She noticed her friend had one, and was interested in having one, too. I researched and found her the perfect one, it teaches the moral lessons of the bible in a kids friendly way. I was really excited to share it with her and get into discussions about what it all means, though it had some stuff I didn’t really like sharing with her, too. I hope it is a way for both of us to discover what we really believe, and come up with a vision of what religion, and believing, really means in our home.