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Meagan Rigney

Confession: I’ve had two breast surgeries

September 12, 2018      Leave a Comment

I’ve been contemplating writing this post for a long time, but fear of judgement and sharing something so personal has kept me from doing so. I have never shied away from sharing this in my real (non online) life to close friends and family, though, and know that when I read about other women who have gone through something similar, I love it, so if this post connects with even one person, I’ll be grateful.

As far back as I can remember I was embarrassed and unhappy with my breasts. I grew quickly and it seems like, overnight. I wore a D bra in 7th grade and it elicited a lot of attention that was pretty uncomfortable. If you grow up as a woman with larger breasts, it garners attention. I remember being ogled by grown men in parking lots at fourteen, always wanting to wear baggy shirts, and bathing suits were even more revealing. I “lucked” out by being naturally curvier, with a smaller waist, and this creates a “sexy” look that is hard to handle as a young girl. I just remember a ton of unwanted attention that felt intrusive. I could never find bras that fit, I didn’t feel like I could wear cute, skinny strap bikinis like the other girls, and anything with daintier straps was out. This was during the 90’s when uber skinny models (Kate Moss) were the rage, and I never felt like my body fit. I also had stretch marks from growing really fast, and my breasts were large, but not perky in the least, and I wore a bra 24/7 to feel comfortable. It was a really self concious time, I guess.

I wanted to have a reduction from an early age, and would dream about having breasts that weren’t a hassle. They were my biggest worry as a young girl and into my 20’s, and figuring out how to manage a larger chest size was exhausting. I got pregnant twice and gave birth twice, and breastfed twice, and after that was all said and done, they were worse. (Not to mention when I was breastfeeding they were a nightmare size, and scarily huge.)

About six months after my son was born I found out a close friend of mine had gotten a reduction and it sparked the thought that I could finally get it done, too. She had had it paid for by insurance for medical reasons (our husbands are both in the military and we have good healthcare), so I made the initial appointment with my doctor to see if I could be medically cleared for a referral. She determined that I was a good candidate (grooved shoulders from bra straps, recurring back pain), so I was referred to a plastic surgeon. For my first appointment (with my two kids in tow, lol), I had pictures taken, and the surgeon explained how reduction surgeries work if insurance pays for them. Basically there is a formula based on body type and weight, where they figure how much your breasts should weigh and how much they should take out. The surgeon is required to take out that much breast tissue and then send it in to make sure that they didn’t “cheat” the amount needed for medical reasons. (More on that later.) Also, he described my original breasts as “softballs in a tube sock,” if that answers any questions on what they looked like pre- surgery (bold, but accurate, ha.)

On the day of my surgery I was excited and so ready. I knew I wouldn’t be able to pick up my kids for 6 weeks (they were 7 months old and about 2.5 years old then), so we scheduled help for a couple of weeks, and then I did my best after that. I brought my front close bra in from Wal-Mart that I was required to wear, got all marked up with permanent marker, and then the next thing I knew I was waking up and heading home. I remember putting my seat belt on and feeling like my breasts were finally normal sized, it was so surreal. Pretty much a dream come true. This particular surgery was pretty painful to recover from. I have an anchor cut under each breast, then a line up from there to my nipples, and then those were relocated and I have a circular scar around each of those. They also did liposuction under my armpits so that all the breast tissue required by my insurance company could be sent it and it would be enough. I was swollen, and about a C cup immediatley after surgery, but FINALLY perky and I did not need to wear a bra. I was in heaven.

Disclaimer: after having a surgery like this (where they basically relocate your nipples), you tend to lose most of your nipple sensation (bummer) and it is almost impossible to breast feed, so keep this in mind if either of these are important to you.

Over the next two years I noticed that my bra size was getting smaller (I started exercising and losing weight and getting fit again after babies!), and I found I didn’t feel like me. I had gone about 30 years with a larger chest, or an hourglass figure if you will, and my increasingly smaller chest size (now a small B) was not feeling right. I found that because I had had my surgery paid for by my insurance, I didn’t have a choice about the size I ended up with. My body was a formula and they determined how much to leave me with and that was that. While I loved how I felt after surgery, I was becoming increasingly unhappy with the end size. About 2 years after my reduction I confessed this to my husband and that I was debating another surgery, and he encouraged me to do what felt right for me. (I adore him and his support!) I remember feeling really foolish, because I had gone through this surgery that I had wanted my whole life, and despite the fact that I didn’t regret it, I still wasn’t completely happy.

So I booked a breast augmentation consultation with my original surgeon (I loved him and his surgery center!) In the meeting, he explained that a lot of people aren’t as happy with medical reductions because of the formulaic size issues, and that a lot will actually get augmentations at the same time as the surgery to combat this. (He might have said this to me originally, but I was so hell-bent to be SMALLER DAMN IT that I most likely never heard him.) After the consultation and getting to play with all the implants to determine size, I booked the surgery.

A few details: I chose silicone, because they are the most natural and pretty darn fool-proof nowadays), they are placed under my chest muscles, and mine are 375cc volume (which equate to about a D-DD size.) I wanted to be not too big and not too small, and my surgeon wanted to make sure I was happy. He mentioned that most women after surgery tend to wish they had gone bigger, so if you choose between 2 sizes he recommended going with the bigger. I would agree with him there. I chose the bigger size and I am super happy. I find that most people are surprised they are the size they are, and they do not come across as “fake.”

The surgery itself was much like the first, except the incisions were smaller (about an inch long on the same scar underneath as my first), and the recovery was way easier. I did not have help after this surgery, so the day after I was home with my kids and my husband went to work and I may have been a little hopped up on pain meds that day. Initially, implants have to settle, so they are very swollen and are kind of right under your collarbone. It’s very “Pam Anderson” and scary if you don’t expect it, or if you have breastfed, they look exactly like the day your milk comes in. The swelling goes away after a month or so of icing them and rest, the implants settle into place, and before you know it you are YOU, but better. The pain is very tolerable, and again, I liken it to the feeling of having to breastfeed, but you can’t feed your baby lol. Nothing like the first surgery! I was back on my feet the next day and working out in a limited way about 2 weeks later.

All in all, I am so happy I had both surgeries. Would I have condensed them together if I knew better/wasn’t so stubborn? YES. But I am beyond thrilled with the result. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about how clothes would fit, how I looked naked, what bathing suits would work, where I’d find a sports bra that actually held me in, etc., and I didn’t enjoy life. My breasts were a constant thought from middle school on, and being able to do these surgeries, FOR ME, was amazing. I love how they look, and I love that I feel like the true me that I was always supposed to be.

Weirdly enough, I didn’t share about my breast implants to really anyone for a long time. Most people knew about the first surgery, but I kept the second really private. I just didn’t want to explain my reasoning behind going smaller, then bigger, and all my inner feelings on that. (And weirdly enough, no one even really noticed me go from a B cup back to a D.) Truth: people aren’t paying attention nearly as enough as we think they are, so stop worrying about what others think!

I’m not ashamed to have implants. I love that I did something that I dreamed about forever, and while the road was a bit different than I envisioned, I would never take it back. I feel like my best self this way, like it was the way I was meant to be, and the freedom of mind and the confidence it gives me is everything.

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Hi, friend! My name is Meagan and I like to overshare on Insta-stories, LOVE finding the best stuff for everyday life, and I truly believe that life is more fun when you feel good about yourself, both inside and out.

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meaganrigney

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Life lately! Last days of school, visiting the nei Life lately! Last days of school, visiting the neighborhood pool, library hauls, lunch dates, Amazon bathing suits, so many good things! I’m so ready for summer break with the kids since we aren’t moving or renovating a house. 🙃
What’s good for you right now?!
Give me a simple white dress for summer and I will Give me a simple white dress for summer and I will wear it as many days as I can. This one is light and airy and looks cute on its own or under a denim jacket for cooler temps. I’m in love 😍
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Shop this outfit via the link in my profile or the Shop My Instagram page on meaganrigney.com
A few pieces I have painted lately, and added to m A few pieces I have painted lately, and added to my shop! I love the shades of pink and adding all sorts of dots, dashes, and drips. I'm going to start a new series soon, maybe with some abstract flowers?! Sometimes I just grab a paintbrush and see what will happen. 🤷🏻‍♀️
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I am also sending out a series I did in blues for a friend, I will share those in another post (I'm obsessed with how they turned out!) If you have an idea for a custom size, series, or even a color palette, you can message me on Etsy and we can figure out how to make it happen (link to shop is in my bio, or visit MeaganRigneyCreates)😃
Okay so I’ve ordered and tried on approx. 1 mill Okay so I’ve ordered and tried on approx. 1 million bathing suits this month to find a few that make me feel amazing, and I’ve found some! 👏🏻👏🏻 I’ve shared some before in stories and posts, but I also wrote a blog post (live right now) with the hits and misses, details on sizing, and what I loved and hated about a few popular styles. You can find my blog via the link in my profile or head to meaganrigney.com 
P.S. I’ve been blogging for ten years now, which sounds crazy?! But cool? Since before Insta was invented if that ages me 🥴
Two years ago I said I would NEVER EVER EVER wear Two years ago I said I would NEVER EVER EVER wear bike shorts, and now here I am, eating my own words. 
I bought a "starter pack" of 3 black pairs off of Amazon and now I'm not taking them off. I am a sucker for comfort and ease and this just works for me. Add in a delicious, oversized tee and can I just sleep in this and wear all day lol. 

What piece of clothing did you say you'd never wear, and have?

*shop this look via my Shop My Instagram (link in profile)
I like to hibernate at home. Like a recharge, I ne I like to hibernate at home. Like a recharge, I need to be alone among my own things to fill my cup up. 
I felt bad about this forever. Why couldn't I be as busy as others without feeling like I would break down? Why do lots of plans leave me feeling anxious and overwhelmed? I'd try to push through, to be the person (friend/mother/wife) that I thought I had to be. To be the mom that did all the things with a smile. Then I realized, I needed boundaries. I wasn't helping anyone if I did too much or over scheduled myself. I'd end up being the worst version of myself, losing sleep and getting worked up over small things. I realized that I had to protect myself, even if others might think it was weird, or worse, think I was lazy. Part of it is being a stay at home mom and working from home. Technically I am almost always around, but I don't need to be always available. Just because I can be on the PTA doesn't mean I want to, or go to all the field trips, or sign up for all the activities. My strengths lie elsewhere.  I can serve in the way that suits me and not what I think I should be doing. 
A couple of years ago I hit a wall, and since then I have been learning to listen to my body and the signals it gives when I am ignoring my basic needs. I've learned that I can have about 2 busy days and then after that I fall apart. I have two kids in sports and school and a husband with a weird schedule. I am BUSY (I kinda hate that word!), but my boundaries lie in them, and in myself. I can juggle the important things and let the rest fall. And I am important, too! Which took me a long time to realize. I have to prioritize myself and my mental well being. This might look different than others and that is okay. I can't compare my life to another, especially on the internet, and neither should you. So I rest, and recharge. I hibernate and ignore calls and texts. I say no to a lot (A LOT.) And it makes me feel whole and like my true self when I do this.
I ordered a few swimsuits from Amazon last week af I ordered a few swimsuits from Amazon last week after trying on a few of my old ones and not loving the fit. I was pleasantly surprised by these and ended up ordering a few more (because I like options!) I’m wearing a size large in all of them, for reference. I’ll detail the fit and feel of all of them in stories today. 
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Which is your fave? 👙
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*shop these suits via my Shop My Instagram page via the link in my profile, or head to www.meaganrigney.com ✌🏻
Last week I ordered this 'one size' tee and then w Last week I ordered this 'one size' tee and then when it came it looked ridiculously big, so I was going to send it back. Then... I slipped it on...and it was still very oversized, but in the best way possible! I feel free, damn it! Nothing is touching my body! This is living, yes? 
Add in leggings (and maybe even some bike shorts, which I said I would NEVER wear but I love eating my own words lol.) 
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Also, these sandals are scented. Yes, I said scented. Why? I dunno. But they smell like a Cabbage Patch dolls head and I am weirdly here for it. I also love how they fit and feel as I am unwilling to wear complicated shoes right now and if you put an animal print on it I will buy it. 
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P.S. Did you have a Cabbage patch doll growing up? I kinda wish I still had one....
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*Shop this outfit via the Shop My Instagram link in my bio or head to www.meaganrigney.com
All of a sudden my babies are almost as tall as me All of a sudden my babies are almost as tall as me and are the ages I remember myself being vividly in my head. 🤯
Time is weird. When they were both under five it felt like each day was a lifetime. Babies and toddlers are time intensive and exhausting and it takes immense effort to do daily things. 
And then one day it gets easier. 
Everyone can put their own shoes on and buckle themselves in the car. You can go on vacations and not need a million things. The first time we went to Disney and just *walked in, with no massive stroller or diaper bag? My husband and I kept looking at each other like, "wait, this is easy now?" 
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy when they were smaller, I'd take a day back with them as squishy babies right now, but THIS, this is good. They are fun, and funny, and sarcastic, and life is just good at this age. I always want to freeze time, but I'd love to do it right now. It's a good balance of them needing me and not, of them home on weekends and thinking I'm still a little bit cool. 
Anyway! Here's a photo dump of a chilly afternoon spent together on Mother's Day, a good mix of skipping rocks, sipping Chai tea, and sitting in a winter coat in May watching flag football. 
How was your weekend?
I was waiting in the middle school parking lot pic I was waiting in the middle school parking lot picking up my daughter from track practice one afternoon, and it got me thinking. As I watched practice for a bit, I was instantly transported to myself at that age. 
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I remember being a teenager and looking at magazines and a lot of the friends I knew and I never felt good enough. I always felt my body was lacking, it didn't look like what I thought it should, and I didn't wear the clothes that I thought the "cool girl" wore. Back in the early 90's the desired shape was very, very thin, with no curves. Think Kate Moss in those Calvin Klein ads. Here I was, with breasts and hips, stretch marks and thick thighs. I couldn't wear the bikinis that were advertised or the tiny strap tops. My body felt foreign and wrong to me, until I was in college and learned a million ways to make myself smaller, so small that I could forget that awkward version of myself. I fell for diet culture again and again, all the way onto my late 30's. 
For years I punished myself, eating very little, and congratulating myself on my amazing willpower. Look at me, I can be skinny! And barely eat! I can do what I had always wanted to do as a young teen, become the tiny person in the magazine. 
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Except, there was always more to do. I could never relax, or my anxiety would kick in and I'd feel out of control. The second I was out of my routine, my sense of self felt at risk. I couldn't let myself go back to my former self, because she had felt sad and lonely and never enough. 
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It's funny how just being a mom of a kid that age really lets me go back. I see what I needed and I pour it into myself first, and then my kids. I want the girl I was to know that there was (and isn't) anything wrong with her. She was enough, and IS enough, and what her body looks like is the least interesting thing about her.
This week it hit 80 degrees, so I pulled out a kim This week it hit 80 degrees, so I pulled out a kimono I had just bought, dug my sandals out of the back of my closet, and instantly felt like myself. 
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If you've followed me for a second, you know I'm a sucker for kimonos. I've owned a ton over the years and I've rarely come across one I don't like. I think it's because I feel the most like myself in them? When the weather gets warm I love feeling like a boho goddess and flowing floral fabric does that for me. (Until the sleeve catches on a doorknob lol) 
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And also...this past year. Do I need to say it? It's been a YEAR. I've worn more sweatpants and leggings than I ever have, and now Spring is here and the world is beginning to bloom again + I feel like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. THIS is the happy version of me, dressed up  a bit more than I need to as I work from home, feeling the warm breeze on my face, and dreaming of months ahead with friends and family. 
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Shop this outfit via the link in my profile (click on Shop My Instagram) or head right to my blog at www.meaganrigney.com
A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor, and as al A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor, and as always, I step on the scale backwards and ask them not to tell me the number. I have done this a million times and it works. Weight and tracking anything food related is not good for me, and before this year I didn't know my weight for about 5-6 years. It was great! 
Anyway, as I'm leaving the doctor she hands me a bunch of papers with a prescription, explanation of TMJ, and as I looked through them my weight was listed on one paper in HUGE FREAKIN FONT. I couldn't NOT see it, basically. I saw that number and my first thought was, " How interesting." 
The number was more than I thought it would be, but other than that, it was just a number. Since I don't know my weight at any other time before that I don't have a context really of how much weight I have gained in the past year. Which is freeing, honestly. I know I have gained weight, my pants size has changed. I've also gained a lot of perspective about diet culture + size and what it really means to "let yourself go." I'm not saying I haven't been uncomfortable with the changes I have seen and felt in my physical self, I'm just learning to not let it define me. That number I saw is a number, that will fluctuate as it always has. It will go up, and down, it will never be static. It isn't meant to. We aren't meant to stay the same our whole lives, and if you have lived a bit you have already seen this. I searched my whole life to find true inner happiness  and forever thought it meant if I LOOKED a certain way I could FEEL a certain way on the inside. It never happened. It took a health crisis, therapy, inner work, and research to discover that what I was looking for was inside. It was already there. I was worthy at all weights and sizes, in all situations. I didn't have to be perfect to be loved, to please others to be loved, to be strong to be loved. I could give this to myself, just for being. For existing. 
Whatever you weigh, you are enough.
I was trying on a pair of bike shorts the other da I was trying on a pair of bike shorts the other day (which I said I'd NEVER do, but life is funny like that!) I pulled up those buttery soft wonders and the first thing I noticed was my wrinkly knees. I almost said, "I can't wear these, people will notice." They'll notice the wrinkles and extra weight and cellulite and all these things we all worry about. Mostly because we are inundated with airbrushed and edited people all day/everyday and it is hard sometimes to see ourselves without a filter and be okay with it. *Which is why I do filter free Friday in stories and work hard to show reality as I know it. 
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Then I remember how I wouldn't wear shorts in my early 20's (while living in Miami) because I was super self conscious of my legs. I wouldn't wear them at the gym in my 30's because the mirrors would stare back at me and show me all my insecurities. I never wanted other people to see I wasn't perfect, because that hit me where I was vulnerable. If I could pretend I was perfect, and hide the real stuff, my self worth was okay. If I exposed it, I would be "less than." 
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I'm making it my mission this Summer to wear the things I want to, and share how it often makes me uncomfortable. I want to share the things that society says are wrong (wrinkles, cellulite, skin that moves and folds,) I want to share this stuff for the women and girls who are watching and might feel a little bit better by watching. 
This is why I do this. Showing up here for free and sharing my insecurities + struggles. I show up for the person I was at 14, 24, 34.  If I share a real body moving and living and enjoying life, maybe she can, too. I'm going to wear the bike shorts and bathing suits and shorts. I am going to show up for myself in this life and I hope to inspire you to as well. I have a 13 year old daughter and my biggest wish for her is that she can wake up and wear what makes her happy. We deserve it.
Tell me your favorite way to pose for the camera w Tell me your favorite way to pose for the camera without telling me your favorite way to pose. 🙃🙃🙃✌🏻
The last gel manicure I got! I love creating a Pin The last gel manicure I got! I love creating a Pinterest board full of nail art ideas and then bringing them into my nail guy (Tony!) to recreate. This one was simple and fun and made me smile each time I looked down at my nails. 
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I'm @meagan_rigney on Pinterest!
This picture is NOT an accurate representation of This picture is NOT an accurate representation of my last week (swipe to see reality.)
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You guys, it's been a WEEK. Last Monday-ish I started getting some tooth and jaw pain, which had been going on for a few weeks and then really escalated. To the point where it became unbearable and the worst pain I've ever felt. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and this took me to my knees. 
I went to the doctor thinking I had an ear infection (?) and she diagnosed TMJ (turns out I can be an anxious and tense person lol.) Then I went to the dentist and was referred to an Endodontics doctor for a root canal (my first.) I got a laser treatment on my jaw that I thought sounded ridiculous, but ended up loosening up my jaw and relieving a lot of that pain, and then got a root canal on Friday. (I also had nitrous for that procedure and they gave me so much that I feel like I fell into a time/space continuum? I mean, I swear I left my body and EXPERIENCED THINGS.✌🏻)
AnYwAy....after that was done and my teeth calmed down a bit, I started to gradually feel relief from the pain. I still have to chew carefully and get a crown put on, but MAN, there is nothing like a health issue to make you grateful for being pain free. I am so grateful to not be tied down to a heating pad and unable to function, that was awful.
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Thank you to everyone that sent well wishes and good vibes via my DM's, you guys are the best and I am so grateful for this community here. It can feel so isolating sometimes creating content and writing and talking to my phone, and you all showed up for me and gave me strength. I heart you. ❤️
For Spring break last week we went to Chicago for For Spring break last week we went to Chicago for a few days! 
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It felt so good to DO something again, to experience new things and even do simple things we took for granted like go out to eat + stay in a hotel. (It felt very safe with masking and social distancing and all the things that are pretty normal in our world right now;)
We went to the Art Institute and I took about 5,578 pics of inspiring artwork (art museums are my happy place,) and ate some really delicious food. We also went back to the Museum of Science and Industry and found that most of its exhibits were closed (understandably,) which we were disappointed with. 
Seriously though, we were just grateful to BE SOMEWHERE! I felt invigorated and grateful and hopeful all at once. 
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I also forgot how much I love Chicago and how much I have missed Lake Michigan and I am just so happy to be living near it all again. 
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Have you travelled lately?
I bought these shorts yesterday from Target, one s I bought these shorts yesterday from Target, one size up from my normal size (how I typically order shorts.) As you can see, they don't even come close to fitting me. I couldn't button even 1 of the buttons, never mind all of them. So I stripped them off + added them back into the bag to be returned. 
I want to take this opportunity to share how sizing is really, really subjective. I currently fit into 3 different sizes for pants, some from the same brands. Depending on where I buy from and how I want things to fit I can either be a size down or two sizes up from what I normally wear. Here's the deal, you DESERVE to be comfortable in your clothes. You DESERVE to feel good in what you are wearing. For a long time I got hung up on size and weight, I felt it defined me and my worth. I used to be terrified to go up a size and did a lot of unhealthy things to avoid that. 
I just want you to know this: your weight and size is the LEAST interesting thing about you! You are worthy and enough no matter what the world and diet culture has taught you. It is okay to go up a size or a lot of sizes. It's okay to wear things that fit you right now, even if it isn't where you want to end up. I know I instantly feel better when I am wearing something that fits me versus something that is too tight (which most of my clothes from a year ago are.)
Also, the clothing industry basically makes up sizes. They are ridiculous and if you ever hold up clothes that are the same size yet vastly different you will see. Clothes are meant to fit you, not the other way around. 
These shorts didn't fit me and that's okay. I have other ones that do, and if those don't fit me at some point I can buy more (which is a privilege.) 
Let's not let size, weight, or crappy indicators like the BMI index define how we should feel each day. I want to know, how do you want to FEEL? Me👉🏻Strong, capable, happy + a bunch of other words that aren't about my looks.
When I was in high school (back in the late 1900's When I was in high school (back in the late 1900's 🙃) we had to pick a 'major,' something to guide us towards picking a career someday. This major would work similar to a college one, you take a bunch of classes in the area you chose and spend 4 years expanding on that. I chose art as my major, and during my high school years I got to take a wide variety of art classes. I did ceramics, drawing, oil painting, and a ton of other fun and creative things. I learned how to stretch canvases to paint on and loved the smell of turpentine. I can still smell the unique scent of an art eraser and see my hand coated with charcoal after a class. Creating art was always truly fun for me, something I looked forward to daily. 
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Yet, when I went to college I chose Business as my major. It seemed more practical, right? Art was for fun and Business was more realistic. I took accounting and economics and dutifully got that degree. Life happened, I married a guy in the military and I decided to get a Masters in teaching so I could easily transfer a job from place to place. We had kids and I stayed home with them, started a fashion blog and funneled all my creativity into that (which I loved.) I'm always drawn to pretty things, whether its a gorgeous sweater, a painting in a museum, or the way the light comes in my window in the afternoon. 
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Not that long ago I picked up a paint brush for the first time in a  long time, and it all came rushing back. Creating things for fun, remembering my passion for drawing and painting and taking the time to create pretty things just because. I bought a canvas and decided to paint something for me, something I could hang in my office and enjoy. Layer by layer, I added color and texture, used brushes and wedges and often my own fingers to make something that brought me joy. It's messy and colorful, whimsical and abstract. It makes me happy to look at it and to know that I have reclaimed a piece of myself.
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