Hello my friends!
I am currently cuddled up on the sofa of our Airbnb in our new town and MIchigan! Last week we saw our house packed up and shipped off, we drove across the country (from Alabama to just North of Detroit), and the other day we got to see our house for the first time. Because of the pandemic, we had to buy our house sight unseen (with the eyes of trusted friends and our realtor.) I never thought I would ever do that, but after seeing the house yesterday I am so relieved. I knew it was a beautiful house, but seeing it in person was amazing and I am SO excited to update it a bit until we move in. I did a tour of our house on Instagram and saved in in my stories highlights if you want to see (@meaganrigney.) In the next month we are going to gut and replace the kitchen, as well as redo all of the floors and paint the entire thing. Whew! I am READY to get started.
A couple of weeks ago I shared my thoughts on how to love yourself as is, you can read that HERE.
I’ll continue that with Part 2…How to love yourself AS IS (not just when you get to the magical weight/size you think will make you love yourself more or make you happy):
We’ve dug into WHY we think a magical size/weight will make us happier (it probably resides in your childhood conditioning. This isn’t to knock our parents, it is just passed down knowledge and societal programming.) And we talked about our thoughts, why they make us feel bad and how we can stop them. Hint: use a neutral thought when negativity pops up 9 million times a day! “I have a body” versus “My legs look so fat today.” This takes practice. I have to redirect a lot, and some days are better than others. I’m actually journaling how my body thoughts coincide with my cycle, and how my moods go around that, too. (The week before my period I feel bloated and “fat”, and don’t notice until I look back how the two events are linked.) I am almost 40 and STILL learning how our bodies are affected by our menstrual cycle….
Now let’s work into triggers. A trigger is anything that makes us feel bad about ourselves, because it literally triggers the part of ourselves that doesn’t feel enough.
I’m still digging through mine, but one that I discovered years ago was my weight. Anyone else? Do you have a number in your head RIGHT NOW, that if you weighed this unicorn number that you would be happier? I think most of us have a number, either something we once were, or wish we could be.
For years I kept that number in mind. It was easy to stay there for awhile, then I had kids and it creaped up. That number just kept going up and up, even though my happiness has increased as well. Here’s the deal, I have never felt better about myself inside right now, and I probably weigh more now than when I gave birth to my kids. More muscle= more weight. Several years ago I decided I was never going to weigh myself again. That number had too much power over me. It determined if my day would be good or bad. It determined my worth for years, and I refuse to let it anymore. When I go to the doctor I step on the scale backward and ask the nurse not to share my weight. I was initially embarassed to ask this, but then it just became habit. I feel FREE not knowing my weight, because for years I let it be a trigger for me, I let it determine my self worth.
Another thought is this, I have weighed very little and thought I wasn’t “enough,” and also about 35 pounds more than that and felt the same. The weight never, ever mattered, it was my thoughts on the number and how I felt inside that mattered. I am currently pretty close (I think, I don’t know the exact number) to what I weighed when I gave birth to my first child and I am mentally healthier than I was then. My thoughts growing up were that “skinnier was better,” “the smallest weight and pant size was the best,” and hearing people telling me how “skinny” I was was the ultimate compliment. I am honestly still digging through that, but it is getting better. I am working through past conditioning that says I am not enough if I am “bigger,” or a certain weight and size. There are good days and bad, but I am careful to stop my negative thought patterns when they pop up.
My question is, What is your trigger? Is it your weight? A size? Picking yourself apart in the mirror? What can you do to protect your self worth against it? What can you STOP DOING that wll bring you peace of mind?