This past week was a tougher one for me, but honestly, it taught me a lot. We had some setbacks with our renovation, and school came out with the decision to be remote for the first month. I was really, really hoping school would go back, mainly because my kids really need it. I can see how not being as social has affected them (and me,) and I just really hoped they would go back. Especially since we have moved and starting a new school is easier in person.
So I sat with the disapointment for a few days, and just let it BE. I have been working on letting my emotions just run their course instead of burying them and trying to move on, or forcing myself to be positive. I let myself be really sad and talk it out a bit, both in person and online (with you guys on Insta, love my community;) I used to be afraid to admit I was sad or not handling things well, I never wanted to admit that things weren’t going well. I did this for so long, and it ultimately led to a overnight hospital trip, tons of tests, and then realizing that I have anxiety that manifests into physical symptoms (dizziness, pains in my arms, a sinking feeling, nausea.)
So I let myself be sad and just focused on the moment. I asked myself what I could do NEXT to feel a little bit better. Sometimes on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 being really depressed and 10 being my best self), I might move from a 4 to a 5. Just baby steps up the ladder. It was a bunch of little things, like rolling out my office rug and styling my shelves in there even though the floor isn’t done, reading a really great book that I have re-read a lot, watching movies on the couch with my kids, lighting a pretty candle. Just small things. I am working on not RUSHING feeling better, because it takes time. I was pretty sad and down for about 4 days, and then one day I woke up and felt better. I went for a walk with my kids. I cooked dinner and watched The Great British Baking Show with my family (and got my husband hooked!)
I like naming how I feel. Simply saying the words I AM…anxious, worried, overwhelmed, mad, frustrated, devastated, etc. I feel like forever I wouldn’t admit anything, it was always, “I’m fine, I’m good!” (said through gritted teeth.) There is enormous relied just saying, “Hey, I am really overwhelmed.”
The good news is, all of this passed for me. It typically does. (And you guys, if this stuff doesn’t pass for you, visit your doctor or speak to someone! I am still keeping an eye on whether or not I might benefit from medication.) Today I feel peaceful, optimistic, fullfilled, energetic. That is what helps me when I am NOT feeling these things. The fog lifts and if I don’t resist the yucky stuff, it flows out of me.
So, the other morning I sat and did a meditation on clarity (I subscribe to this program and LOVE it.) I had to sit and imagine myself 5-10-30 years in the future, and then listen to what she had to say. I could envison this 30 years older version of myself and the thing she said to me was crystal clear…
My 70 year old self was looking at me now (40 next week!) and said to love myself more. I am working on shedding my EGO version of who I have been trying to be my whole life. This perfect version that is literally exhausting to be. In 30 years I don’t want to look back and see that I cared about my pants size or what I ate. I want to just love myself at all stages and phases. I would say I wish I could tell me 20 year old self that. Just love yourself more, because you are enough AS IS.
What do you think your ’30 year older self’ would tell you? What words or phrases is she whispering in your ear that you could take note of? I’d love to hear if you want to share;)