For years and years I woud hide pictures of myself like this. Or I’d use Facetune to smooth out as much as I could and then strategically filter out the rest. I wanted to show that I was perfect and skinny. Those were the words that drove me forever, though I would have denied it if you asked. My badge of honor would be someone saying, “you are so skinny!” That became my unconcious mission forever. Even when I was dangerously thin at many points in my life, weighing all my food, blacking out when I stood up too fast, and one time passing out in the street in collge from malnutrition, being “skinny” was a badge of honor.
Recovering from that, from what I would definitely call disordered eating, has been a process.
Each day I have to decide what I want more, do I want to feel good in my life or do I want to spend my days micromanaging diet and exercise? Do I want to be a smaller size for me or do I just want the validation of being “so skinny,” and hearing, “how did you lose weight/get fit/shrink yourself down/etc.”
It’s uncomfortable gaining weight back (no matter how healthy.) To go up a couple of pants sizes. To let myself enjoy food and move my body in a way that brings me joy versus punishment. It’s uncomfortable not knowing where I stand, because I have been one way for so long. Driven by the insatiable need to be physically perfect and to prove to the world that I am special and capable.
Because really, I am special and capable. (You are, too!) I don’t have to look perfect in a bathing suit, or wear a certain jean size, I don’t need to erase my cellulite and pretend it doesn’t exist. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Especially to myself.
I’m not a character on the internet, or in my own life. I am a real person, with flaws, and I am working daily on my mindset to be okay as I am in each moment. Even if it is hard to do so sometimes. I’m worth it.