When I grew up in the 90’s the “waif supermodel” look ws in. The most popular model was Kate Moss, and as a young tween and teen, I really wanted to look like her. Or the other models in the magazines at the time. I didn’t know these photos were often manipulated, or that models represented a very small part of society. I just knew my body did not look like that and I felt LESS.
My body then didn’t fit the mold of what was in, even though that mold has changed decade after decade. Now it is “in” to be curvier, but you must be strong, too, with a slim waist and little body fat and no cellulite.
I didn’t know in my early teens that my body couldn’t be like Kate Moss’, it just wasn’t physically possible. I didn’t know that then. I just figured I needed more dicipline and diet and exercise. I thought it was my job to fit into the mold according to popular culture. I thought I was the problem.
This turned into decades of disordered eating and super rigid exercise schedule that I used to control my body and my anxiety. It calmed me to look a certain way, and I lost sight of the simple pleasures of life. I lost sight of the girl inside that never felt okay in her skin. Who felt less than with the body she was born with.
It has taken me a long time to dismantle who I wanted to be (because I was told it was better) and just relax into who I was born to be. To not feel guilty eating and moving my body for joy rather than punishment. To not constantly think of food and what I look like to others. It’s a process of letting go and finding myself at the same time.
What if we let go of trying to be someone else, and just accept who we are, right now? Embrace the magic of YOU and let the rest go?
I’m ready to fully BE myself, probably for the first time ever.
