Last weekend I went to the doctor to talk about my anxiety and the feelings I have been having. Big, anxious, scary, feelings that sometimes I can’t see in myself. Sometimes it is hard to see yourself. Am I feeling lonely and bored and overwhelmed because it is 2020, or is this deeper than that? Do I have deeper issues that can be helped with medication? Am I “normal” or do I have an undiagnosed issue that I’ve been living with for a long time?
Last week when I was feeling particularly low I sat with my journal and wrote out what I was feeling. When I was done it was 3 paragraphs long and mentioned everything from low energy, to hyper focusing on perfection, to controlling my environment too much, to having little interest in the things I typically love. I don’t feel this way all the time, but when I do I wanted to take note of it. It comes in cycles, but is unpredicatble and not tied to anything I can figure out. Some days i feel good and others I just don’t.
So I made the appointment, because I have been working on this by myself for a long time and I needed another opinion. I needed help. I brought what I wrote down into the doctor and we talked about it all. My hands were shaking and my heart was beating out of my chest, but I told her everything. She listened, and then asked me what I wanted.
We decided to start with therapy first, maybe I can figure out if my anxiety can be worked on that way or maybe I need something esle, but it is a first step. A step I have resisted for a long time. Perhaps I will need medication, or there are more underlying issues that can be unearthed, I don’t have the answers yet.
For now I can breathe, and make an appointment to talk to someone (virtually) and dig deeper into what is going on. It feels good to reach out and ask for help, and to have a first step laid out for me.
It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay. 🙏🏻