If you scroll back deep enough in my feed you’ll see a period of time where I posted a lot of “before and after’s.”
It was a time in my life where I was learning about what my body could do, what I was capable of. And you know what, I reached a lot of physical goals. I “looked” like what I had always wanted to from a young age. That young, teen girl, who looked at thinner girls in magazines and at the beach and I would wonder what it felt like, you know?
What would it feel like to take up less space, to have that “dream body” and feel confident in a swim suit?
You know what? It feels good…for a minute.
When you put on a suit and see yourself in a mirror, for a second it feels good. And then you still notice the flaws, the things to “fix.” You still focus on food + cellulite + whether anyone notices your wrinkly knees. You still feel less, not perfect, always needing to “control” diet and exercise to stay a certain way.
I have been many sizes over the past 30 years, and my smallest sizes were my unhealthiest, where I existed on rice cakes and Diet Coke. (I also got the most compliments then, go figure.)
Over the past year I have been working on body kindness, and realizing that I am more than a body. I am more than a weight or pants size or perfect “after” photo. I’ve gained weight and realized that it is really freeing letting go of disordered eating and the limiting belief that I need to look perfect to be loved. To feel enough. I searched forever for this, thinking it had to do with what my body looked like.
I was wrong.
It isn’t comfortable letting go of my past self and her ideals. I work on my mindset daily. Right now I focus on what my body can DO and how I want to FEEL.
I want to feel joyful on a daily basis. I want to enjoy birthday cake + vacations. I don’t want to restrict and starve in the name of diet culture. I want to be happy! Without the guilt of my past.
It’s what I/we deserve.