I wasn’t sure if I was going to do a blog post today. I’m having a couple of days where everything feels…off. I can’t explain why. Full moon? Hormones? General unease? I just know that I wake up and feel like it is hard to muster up the energy to function. Before kids I could simply choose not to. I could stay within the walls of my own head and keep my blinders on and just exist for myself. I relish time like that, moments where there is nothing in my head except for my own voice and I can wallow in my moods without troubling others.
I can’t do that now, of course. I have two small children that require conversation and happy smiles immediately upon waking. Breakfast needs to be cooked, lunch boxes packed, kids dressed and shuttled to school. I need to go to the Y, come up with creative ways to entertain my youngest while his sister is at school, feed him and find time to manage my blog and all that entails. Grocery shopping, cleaning, bills, moving plans, all that goes in there, too. Somewhere. Then it is school pickup time, playtime and (finally!) time for naps/quiet time.
Quiet time for them.
For me it involves cleaning a comforter that my cat threw up on and scrubbing out toilets that got out of control real fast. Then we go to gymnastics, commuting in horrific traffic both ways, arriving home to dinner, baths and some quiet time before bed. Then it is evening and all I want to do is hide under my (now clean) comforter and hibernate. Alone. Is this normal? Are there others out there like me that have periods of melancholy that cannot be explained? Days when you can’t really explain what you want, or need or exactly what is wrong. You just know that something is off.
Then as soon as you think of it the cloud is lifted and everything is good again. Smiles comes easily. Conversations don’t feel as forced. Problems are more easily solved and my mind can happily exist with others. I’ve always been the type of person that can be happily entertained with my own company. I don’t need a lot of people around to be happy. Being by myself has always been a soothing experience for me, a recharge if you will. Maybe that is what I need. A recharge where my spirit and I take a breath and assess what is going on, where we are going and how we will get there. Is that hokey?