Often at night I let me mind wander to how I’ve failed my children in some ways during the day, and then I think of the future and panic about what is to come. I worry about them driving, getting bullied online, having a boyfriend or girlfriend break their heart, being safe when walking home from a night class in college alone…ahhhhh! The list of what I worry about is endless, really, but what I hate the most is the fear.
I fear so many things about my role as a mom. Each day presents a million and one learning moments that sometimes I pass, and sometimes I fail spectacularly at. They are watching me ALWAYS, and this is great when I am on point, but awful when I prove that I am not the supermom that I wish I was.
Some of the things I worry about…
I fear that I am too selfish to be a mom, and that I put my needs in front of theirs a lot.
I fear that I am quick to anger and that I am showing them how to lash out when frustrated.
I fear that I feed them too many chemicals sometimes, because it is so much work to buy all organic and natural all of the time.
I fear that I don’t spend enough quality time with them.
I fear that I ignore them for my online life too often.
I fear that I spoil them with toys and clothes and buy them more than they need.
I fear that I am too lazy for them, and turn them down a lot when they want to go on walks or bike rides.
I fear that I don’t read to them enough anymore, and don’t teach my youngest like I did my oldest.
I fear that I let them watch too much TV,
I fear that I am too lenient on them sometimes, and too hard on them sometimes, too.
I fear that I won’t always be what they need from me as they get older.
I fear that they won’t always think I’m a good mom.
I fear of failing them.
I fear that I won’t be able to protect them as they get older from peer pressure and school issues.
I fear that they might not fit in because we move a lot.
I fear that I was a better mom of babies and toddlers, and that I’m not as good a mom to school age kids.
I fear that they won’t know how much I think of them, love them, and want to be a better person for them.
I realize that I DO do some things great as a mom, that isn’t that hard to see a lot of the time, but the FEARS are what stand out more for me. These little humans are my entire life, my world, there is no one that could possibly love them more than I do. I want the world for them and I want to be what they need me to be. I fear that I am not always up to the task of raising them, because MAN is this a tough gig. It has challenged me about a zillion times more than I ever thought it would. Raising children is so much more than basic care and love, it is filled the majority of the time with fear and sadness and frustration and worry and over all, a crushing love that cannot be contained when I think of them.
Yet, I still fear that I am not enough.
