It’s been awhile since I’ve updated you on my current fitness/health journey, and a good amount has changed in that time (and not, too, ha!)
*See also these posts on throwing out my scale, how to lose 5 pounds before summer, and this on my first impressions of CrossFit.
What HAS stayed the same: I am working out 4 days a week at least at CrossFit and very much dedicated to eating well for performance at the gym, and for overall health. When it comes to CrossFit I had to let go of my fear of failure and just go for it, mentally and physically. Everything about my current gym life takes mental stamina and a lot of inner pep talking from myself. I feel physically very strong and capable and happy. I love the community there and I am finally feeling like myself again after moving.
What has changed: I have stopped counting my macros and eating very strictly, as I was last Winter/Spring (see photo above.) With the move and my new routine I was feeling too constricted with measuring food and stressing out about the amounts, so I decided to go towards the more intuitive eating route. I had toyed around with doing a Whole 30 this summer, but quickly realized that was too strict for me and I really just liked the actual guidelines of eating (mostly Paleo.)
Honestly… I have a lot of triggers around food and control, and I have been doing a lot of soul-searching about that these past couple of months. I talked about my spiritual journey here, but what it really boiled down to is that I have been digging up past beliefs about myself and how I relate to just about EVERYTHING, and control over food and exercise was a way that I dealt with issues. As in, if I can’t control something, I CAN control what I eat and how much and how hard I exercise. I know it wasn’t at a dangerous level, but if your mind always thinks about food and how much you are gaining muscle/burrning calories, that’s a warning signal.
So I am working on just eating intuitively, as well as working out for enjoyment. I really like to push myself harder on a physical level, and I like to compete against myself. I eat what makes me feel good. Lots of protein and veggies, green smoothies, and limited sugar and bread/pasta. I never say no to anything, I just wait to see if I really want it or I am just feeling a crappy feeling and want to fill a hole with food/wine versus dealing with it. If I wake up and really crave a bagel, I eat it. I find that if you eat what you crave, it goes away. It begins with trusting yourself not to go nuts and eat anything in sight once you give yourself permission. I believe in my personal integrity, and I trust that I will take care of myself.
The same goes for the gym. I go because I like how I feel when I go, and it is not only for appearance sake (thought the side benefit is nice!) I also DON’T go if I am feeling ill or just need a break (which is huge.) If you couldn’t tell, I am big on going all out when I make a plan, so listening to my body and going easy sometimes is new. Sometimes I just go for a walk for the pure enjoyment of it, or do yoga at home. I like moving my body, and I can do it in different ways besides pure gym time.
Something else I have gotten away from are progress photos. I really did love doing those when I started with BBG because I could clearly see how my body was changing, and it spurred me on. I felt like those photos were a positive thing right up until we moved this summer, when my routine changed. These photos started being a comparison thing. I’d judge myself on how I thought my body was or was not changing for the better. I’d pick things apart. It’s funny, I think with my CrossFit routine and eating intuitively, my body HAS changed. Not for better or worse, but I am more muscular in some areas and softer in others. I’ve said before that I only say positive things about myself when I catch a look in a mirror or hear myself saying something bad, so having progress photos AT THIS POINT is not where my mind is at. I am focusing on how I feel. I feel strong and healthy. I feel strong inside. I don’t weight myself, ever. My clothes fit the same and I am happy, so focusing on a photo where I could potentially pick apart how I have become more or less “fit” than the last photo I took is damaging to me. I am working on judging myself and others less, so for now, I am not doing progress photos.
I think that is it! It can be scary admitting things like my control issues with food and my perception of myself and my low self-esteem (I am working on this!) I think separating myself from my physical appearance, getting to the bottom of my perfectionist tendencies, and really searching for more love and joy in everything I do is a start. I feel all lit up inside, truly, and I think that is translating into all areas of my life.
*If you are interested in seeing what I buy and eat weekly, I created a FREE download that you can get HERE.
