You know what the girl in the bathing suit always felt? Not enough. There was no magic weight or size or milestone that made her feel like she was okay.
I’ve always used photos as a milestone, to show myself that I was worthy. Rarely would they satisfy. You’d find me searching for earlier photos where I thought Iooked better, yet in those earlier photos I wasn’t content. I defined myself by my body, by how “perfect” I could be, by needing constant validation to feel good.
I’d pick apart the pieces of myself I didn’t like, try to hide them or use editing to wash it away. I used restricted eating and intense exercise as a way to feel in control, and when things didn’t go to plan I felt anxious and scared. Holidays and birthdays stressed me out, because they meant a loss of that control. I only felt good when I followed this very strict plan, which… spoiler alert, was hard to keep up.
On vacations I’d be the mom on the treadmill in the hotel gym, or tracking calories on an app at DIsney. There was no moment where I could let my guard down, because then I might ‘let myself go,” and that was my worst case scenario. Who would I be if I relaxed my standards, went up a size or two, became the “after photo” after years of work? Over this year I’be learned a lot about myself and anxiety, and how I use food + my body to control how I feel. It’s been a journey, of acceptance and love and learning to feel enough, even if I am uncomfortable.
This is the year I ate Thanksgiving dinner without thinking of how little I could eat and how I could work it off.
This is the year I realized that I don’t want people to remember me by how my body looked and how anxious food made me.
This is the year I look at my body, with all it has given me and done for me, and say thank you.
This is the year I decided not to believe the limiting beliefs I truly believed by whole life.
This is the year that I learned that what I weigh is the least interesting thing about me.